just a little white lie
by tatty ted
Summary: He blackmailed her before he decided to go further and take what he thought was rightfully his. Now he's left behind a very fragile Rachel who's starting to believe there's no way out of her situation other than death because at least then she'll have some sort of dignity left. - —Rachel, trigger warning.


**notes** — mentions of rape, self-harm and suicide. can be triggering, please take care.

* * *

**just a little white lie**  
_smile, pretend everything's okay._

* * *

"You should be used to it darling," he whispers into her ear as he forces himself on her. She closes her eyes. She breathes deeply. She tries to forget where she is but it's hard when he's crushing her, making it harder for her to breath.

She claws desperately at the bedsheets, wanting him to leave her alone. She moans, her body betraying her because she's not meant to enjoy something when it's against her consent.

It takes her back — this, him — to all those years ago when she was a whore. She was young. She was stupid. She was naive. She took the opportunity to get away from home when things were terrible and she hated every minute she was away.

She sold her body. She was a sex toy and every time she was on her hands and knees in some back alley, she realised she was much better than this. She was better than a whore, she could do whatever she wanted. And she did. She worked fucking hard to become Rachel and now he was here, he had the power to destroy everything she'd ever worked for.

And sleeping with him was the only way to pay his silence.

He kisses her hard. His fingernails dig into the top of her arms where he's held her down. She's trying, Jesus she's trying her hardest not to break down and cry. He's hurting her. He's really hurting her and yet her body's "enjoying" it and it's making her feel confused because she shouldn't enjoy being held down and forced to have sex, right?

He puts his hand around her throat as he orgasms. He leaves her and she's left on the bed, half naked, sobbing uncontrollably realising there's no way out of her situation without the truth coming to light. He'll tell them all that she's a liar and she's nothing but a whore.

(the saying, a leopord can't change its spots comes to light,)

She washes. She takes a shower and scrubs her body until the skin cracks and begins to bleed. The water turns a faint shade of red and she watches the water swirl down the plug hole. She comes up with a way to be free forever, no more blackmail, no more rape.

She takes a bottle of vodka, a bottle of pills and leaves a half-hearted suicide note. It reads in blue ink, written in her best handwriting —

_I am Amanda, I was a prostitute. I will never be free, goodbye._

She takes the pills, washes them down with a mouthful of vodka, slashes both wrists with a razor and lies down. She waits for sleep and freedom. Today is the day that she no longer has no worry about everyone finding out her dirty little secret.

She doesn't die. Perhaps that's a message from above that she's stronger than this and it isn't her time to go yet. She's found. She's taken to hospital where her stomach's pumped, her wrists are stitched and she's watched carefully by the professions.

She sits in a room with a psychiatrist, scratching her nails along the wooden table. It's only then that she reveals everything she's been through these last couple of weeks, right down to Stuart and his blackmail and rape. She wants to cry, to let her emotions out but she can't. She isn't weak. She isn't going to break again.

It's only then, the psychiatrist, younger than Rachel answers; "Rachel, you're a victim but you're also a survivor. You will get through this."

She realises then that she's Rachel not Amanda. She is a survivor. Rachel will always be a survivor.

* * *

**jottings** / so i've started to watch the earlier series of waterloo road and oh wow, i forgot how much i love rachel. if you like it enough to favourite, please leave me a review. i'm not too sure on this piece, i like it but meh, i'm not hundred percent lmao! :D


End file.
